Country for Old Men

--Lowell Thompson

That's when she said she was pretending
Like she knew the plan
That's when I knew she was pretending
--Pretending, Eric Clapton

Well I do my best thinking sitting on my ass
Sittin' here waiting for things to pass
--Uncommon Connection, John Hiatt

I’m going to give birth to a First Sergeant
--Old Army quip when headed to the latrine

The vapours flew out from the vent
But Strephon cautions never meant
The bottom of the pan to grope
And fould his Hand in search of Hope
--The Ladies Dressing Room,
Jonathan Swift

The king is sitting on his throne of glory
--Chop 'Em Down, Matisyahu
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Caveat: Guy’s humor ahead. The more retiring distaff members may wish to skip this one --

This morning while executing a typical old man’s bowel movement, it occurred to Ranger that a hard bowel movement is a perfect metaphor for developing a tactical situation. It just can’t be forced!

History abounds with forced battles like Kursk and the Axis effort at Bastogne; even after blossoming they were never completed because the Germans failed to wipe properly.

One need not follow Dr. Oz to know that when forcing the issue (=one’s bowels), one is not developing the situation properly. The result may well be bugger all; at worst, the result may be hard and bloody.

To prevent the forced movement, one must prepare the bowel (i.e., battlefield) with the necessary materiel: fibre, fish, flax and/or Castor oil supplements and plenty of water. Metamucil or Soft Stool may become necessary if the mechanism becomes jammed; a spoonful of Epsom salts in warm water for the more thrifty among us, or Smooth Move laxative tea if you’re a granola muncher. Adhere to the 5 P’s motto (prior planning prevents piss poor performance) and one can realistically expect a smooth movement.

Likewise, to facilitate a smooth military operation the Commander must follow a similar progression:

1 — Assign a realistic mission with the ASSets at hand and in relation to the enemy situation

2 – Weight the main effort with combat multipliers, to include communication, fire, air and ground fire assets

3 – Assign follow-on forces

4 – Designate tactical support

All of these facilitate a smooth action and movement. However, as with the forced BM, do no preparation (and grow old) and one is ensured of the equivalent of an unpleasant contingency trip to the ER for an unceremonious enema.

You didn’t enjoy them it when you were a kid, and it will be no better now, delivered as it will be, by a Soviet-era orderly who does not have the gentle treatment of your bum in the forefront of his or her mind. Swallow the nasty Castor oil now, or triage later.

Either way, you’ll pay in the end.